I wanna address an emotional issue today.
This is going to be some real unconventional advice, but as they always say,truth is hard to swallow but it’s the only thing that shall set you free.
Here’s the deal- Valentines Day has passed and a huge mass of guys and girls are either entering a new relationship,or have ended one.
A lot of guys and girls struggle when they first break-up with their long term girlfriend, or boyfriend,which leaves them scarred for weeks and sometimes even for months.
This is the time they are most emotionally vulnerable, and end up taking some drastically stupid steps which turn their lives upside down.
Some recover,but most do not.
WHY DO YOU FEEL BAD?
First of all,let us dissect the whole process of being in love.Exactly who do we fall for, and why do we feel sad and deprived when break up happens?
I know you had “feelings” for the other person,but let’s be scientific for a moment.Take some time to understand the concept of ‘love’ better.It’s tougher than the fairy tales version that says love just happens,but it is far more interesting.
No particular study or research has been able to distinctly put into words as to exactly who do we fall in love with,but the following patterns emerge repeatedly:
1) We feel more attracted to the person having physical as well as behavioral traits of the opposite sex parent.
That means girls would feel stronger attraction towards boys who portray character traits of their fathers.And on the other hand,guys become infatuated to the girls who have similar physical traits and personalities to their mothers.
Everything about the opposite sex parent is taken into account by our subconscious while processing among the suitable partners to find the fittest of them all.The person having most traits similar to that of the parent,would be the one you will eventually feel attraction for.
Even the color of the eyes is a determining factor.Imagine that!
2) Girls are attracted to boys who are more socially respectable than they are.In other words, the guy who has higher social status than the girl,is more desirable to her.
This is the reason there is always a ‘prince’,or a ‘knight in shining armor’ who whisks his damsel in distress away in fairy tales,not a guy flipping burgers at Mac Donalds.
I once heard someone say that Fifty Shades Of Grey is an erotic novel and fantasy of almost every woman because the character “Grey” was a magnate.Had he been a regular dude from the street,he would have been accused of sexual assault by the girl,and be taken into custody.
I couldn’t argue on that.
3) For guys,it’s pretty straightforward – the hotter the girl is,the more she is desired by the guys.
And here is the strange thing-guys actually don’t care if the girl is a princess, or a regular girl next door.If she is gorgeous,then she is an eligible candidate for dating.But she has to be considered at least cute.
From a girl’s perspective,looks don’t matter much.If a guy is extremely good looking,but is socially and financially bankrupt,he won’t be getting much attention from women.
Brad Pitt once revealed that he was never hit on by a girl prior to his appearance on silver screen.
Not a single woman made a move on him!
That’s fuckin’ Brad Pitt we are talking about.
This is how both the sexes operate.
We do not consciously think who we want to mate with,but our subconscious is always working and analyzing to decide who we get attracted to.
There are, of course, personal preferences and exceptions,but the general attraction phenomenon remains as described.
So when you do actually happen to find your perfect partner,the process of ‘falling in love‘ begins.This takes place as a result of hormonal activities inside your body.
The first chemical that is released, is testosterone in men,and estrogen women.
After that, our body’s stress response is activated by virtue of adrenaline and cortisol.
This is the same chemical that is released in you when you are faced with any potential danger.It triggers an immediate fight or flight response within you.
Ever felt your heart racing,and your mouth going dry when you are with someone you feel attracted to? That’s the result of the adrenaline that your body is releasing.
The final and most important ‘love chemical’ is Dopamine.
Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that controls the pleasure centres in your brain.There is an intense surge of dopamine when you are in presence of the person you desire.
Brain also releases dopamine when a person takes the cocaine.
So the chemical that is guilty of making you addicted to the other person,literally,is dopamine.
Therefore when break up happens,your body ceases to release these ‘happy’ chemicals which results in insomnia,loss of appetite,loneliness,loss of motivation,hopelessness,
Before I give you any piece of advice,I want to explicitly declare that Iam neither a relationship expert nor claim to be one.The views presented here are my personal opinions,and by reading further,you agree to take full responsibility of the consequences from the actions you take based upon the information presented below.
With the disclaimer out of the way,let us discover ways to survive the battle of love and intimacy:
Do Not Get Involved In A Long Term Relationship
Yikes! What is this guy?? A loner?
I have always advocated the idea of not getting into a serious long term relationship until one could afford a secure lifestyle for oneself.
This is not out of pride or fear, but out of logic.
Let me first clarify what I mean by a Long Term Relationship,because various people have different meanings and associations with the term which could create confusion.
University of Kumar Suraj defines “Long Term Partner” as someone who you commit verbally to be exclusive with in a romantic relationship.
That means you don’t have intimate relationship with any other girl or boy,and you don’t make any effort to get sexually,or emotionally involved with any other girl or boy.
You are verbally and emotionally married to that person,and the thoughts of your partner spending time with somebody other than yourself,stirs anxiety and restlessness within you.
Long Term Relationship,therefore,is a mutual agreement of exclusivity in terms of emotional and sexual fidelity, between two persons.
I think nobody could give a more comprehensive definition than the one I proposed.
The reasons for which I recommend to not get involved in a long term relationship are as follows:
First and foremost reason is the one that everybody who has ever been in a long term relationship must have experienced at one time or the other-being in a serious committed (yikes) relationship takes your mind off the important things in your life.
And exactly what do I mean by important things?
Building a better career,planning a secured future,and giving all your attention to the projects at hand.
It’s difficult to manage both aspects of life- personal and professional,at the same time,and you definitely don’t want to do that when you are in early stages of your life (just like I Am).
It’s hard to put in extra hours into your work when you are in a committed relationship.It consumes a lot of your time and energy which could otherwise be put into the betterment of your lifestyle.
The passion that you should be giving to your future, is wasted in keeping the relationship fire ablaze.
I used the term ‘wasted’ in the above sentence because the truth about romantic relationships is that they all turn sour.
Every single one of them.
Yes,your partner who has committed to be with you for your entire life is blatantly lying to you.
This is not because he is a cheater or a moron,but because no matter how good you are at keeping a relationship stable,things begin falling apart after a certain phase of ‘honeymoon period‘.
The emotional highs you get from being in an exclusive committed relationship fizzes out in a year or so, and you begin noticing all the flaws that your partner possesses.
Every idiosyncratic act and flaw that once seemed so endearing will become a source of frustration.
You will get fed up.
This is the way of the nature- you get tired of anything if you get a constant exposure to it.
As the creatures who seek variety to brighten up our monotonous lives,we rapidly lose that spark of physical and emotional attraction towards the person due to repeated exposure.
And being fed up leads to an inevitable break up.
Other factors contributing to the degradation of a relationship are- harboring anger,mistrust,lack of emotional support,and constant complaining.
But hey, don’t believe me.I could be nuts for all you know.
But you cannot deny the facts.Here is a statistic for you to chew on…and stats never lie.
Relationship expert Hellen Chen has asserted that 85 percent of the relationships end in break up,and 50 percent of the marriages end in divorce.
With that data in mind,it’s safer to assume that you belong to the 85 percents, rather than the few percentage who actually proceed to marriage.And even marriage doesn’t guarantee the relationship security because 50 percent end in divorce anyways.
If you are stubborn enough to think that your relationship is special and out of this world,then you are deluded and possibly suffering from narcissism.
Therefore,ladies and gentlemen,the first advice is to not make any ‘serious’ boyfriend or girlfriend,until you have set your foot on the ground,firmly.
Does it mean you have to be single till then?
Yes.If you have to.
But it’s neither possible nor healthy.
Therefore,I strongly encourage guys and girls to get involved in casual relationships.
You can enjoy the company of any number of guys/girls you desire,and have physical and non-committed,non-serious relationship with them, without ever adhering to the long term scheme.
This may seem like a counterproductive act,but it has many emotional and psychological benefits, and you also don’t get bored.Seriously.
Being in many non-serious,non-committed,but physical relationships liberates you from all the drama,rules and expectations that comes along with a long term serious relationship.
Most people,or should I say majority of the boys who get into a serious long term relationship with a girl,become terribly desperate towards her.They want the girl’s undivided attention all the time.In their minds,they have found the ‘right one’ for themselves and will live happily ever after.
I know this because I have been there,and it’s not a nice position to be in.
But when you make and maintain multiple relationships,you stop freaking out every time your partner spends some time with a member of the opposite sex.
You,as well as your partner,become free of each other.
“If you truly love someone,set them free.”
That’s the point.
The space that you and your partner have between both of you, is where all the attraction chemistry takes place.Fill this gap,and you would suffocate your partner,and he/she will run away.
It’s true.Test it if you don’t believe me.
Another benefit of being in multiple relationships is that it gives you a better perspective on the opposite sex.
Let’s say there is a guy,whom we will call Harry,has never been in a relationship with the female species.
One day Harry meets Sally and they both hit it off well.There is strong chemistry between them, and Harry decides to get into a serious committed relationship with her (which feels like the right thing to do) .
Harry now feels like a real man and he couldn’t stop about Sally every waking moment.Everything goes great for a while,but then reality happens,and he finds out that his most beloved trusted girlfriend has been cheating behind his back with his best friend.
This is not uncommon.Harry gets hurt (obviously),and develops anger and resentment as a result of mistreatment he suffered by his girlfriend.This leads to a grossly incorrect over-generalization- “All women are bitches” or,conversely,if the scenario happens with a girl- “All guys are jerks or assholes.“
This is not quite true even in the remotest sense.
It is just a disturbed perspective of a broken heart.There are a number of wonderful and amazing guys and girls out there,and yes,they are better than your ex.
But they won’t just show up on your door and ask you to hang out with them.It’s your job to find them so you both can share your ‘wonderfulness’ with each other.
And you are going to internalize this truth only when you have been with a number of members of the opposite sex.
You will also develop a better understanding your partner’s emotions,and you would know exactly how to handle them.You would be more perceptive of your partners psychological needs and wants.
But it all happens when you have been with enough boys/girls,not when you jump into a long term committed relationship with the first boy/girl that happens to like your company.
And when you have set your life in such a way that there is a constant stream of income along with a pretty decent lifestyle,then and only then are you ready for a long term relationship.And that relationship would actually be long.
By the way,if you have recently broke up,here is another statistic to ease your pain-according to a study done by the panel at eHarmony, most people will (or should) date 12 people before getting married.
This means that ten of those relationships will end up breaking your
It also means that everybody faces at least ten break ups in their life time.
Thus,you are not the only one having a bad day.So let it go.
There is a golden rule about relationships that I read many years ago,and I can definitely attest to its realism.
It is worth millions and will save you a lot of heartache:
“The One Who Loves The Least Controls The Relationship.”
The credit for the above statement goes to Robert Anthony,a fore frontier in the self-help industry.
It’s true on every level that you can imagine.
When you are in a relationship,then the person who cares the least about it actually controls every aspect of it.
Looking around,you can observe this phenomenon in every relationship,not just romantic ones.It’s the person who doesn’t gives a fuck about it,actually holds the reins of it.He has the upper hand,so to speak.
There are two ways to care a little less about a relationship:
1) Not getting into a serious monogamous relationship (as explained in the first point)
2) Investing less
By investing less,I mean investing less of your time,energy and finance into a relationship.
You must keep in mind that a relationship is just a gamble.So you should always only put on the table that you can afford to lose, and not worry about it.
Watch guys and girls who have recently broke up with their long term partner and listen to what they say: ” I did everything for him!!“
Well,that’s the problem right there!
YOU did everything for your partner,not him! Ask him and he might as well say that he didn’t ask her to do all that she done.
It is the person who actually invested LESS of his/her emotions,time and finance into the relationship,is actually over it.That person is back into the market again with a big smile,while you are sobbing over a bottle of beer.
If you have ever asked yourself- “How could she be over me in a day,when we had been in a ‘happy’ relationship for six months“, well I am telling you the secret- she invested less in the relationship than you did.
You did all the things to keep the relationship going.You put all the effort.You put up with every drama and avoided confrontations just for the sake of running the relationship smooth.
Remember that managing relationship is like rowing a boat.You both need to take turns to keep the boat going.One just can’t sit back and enjoy the ride while the other does the hard work of moving the boat forward.
So how do you know if you are investing more in a relationship than you need to?
Well that’s extremely easy to figure out.
If you are always the one to say sorry to your partner regardless of who made the mistake,then your boat is going to sink sooner or later.Take it from me.
If you often feel unsatisfied by the amount of love and intimacy that your partner gives you,it’s yet another sign that things are not going great between both of you.
It’s time you realize that personal sacrifices are not compulsory for a good relationship.
Don’t be one of those guys who buy expensive gifts and accessories for their girlfriends right after getting into a relationship.Don’t be one of those girls who put all the attention and concentration to the guy who has just showed up in their lives.
If you keep investing in a relationship,and the other person doesn’t reciprocate,you would begin resenting him/her too.
Start small.Don’t put your entire chips on the table right up front.You might lose them all.
And if the other person demands a huge investment of time or money in the first few weeks,then it’s a wise decision to drop that person like a hot potato.
DO NOT PATCH UP
Okay so let’s say you ignored everything that I said in this article and you ended up being in a serious committed relationship anyways,which went great for a year or two,after which you got frustrated with your partner, and you broke up.
That’s when you realize that whatever you read on Sanity Dose© was true,because let’s face it,I am always right.
But after a brief period of isolation from your ex-partner,you begin missing him/her (oh shit).You feel the urge to contact him,to talk to him,to ‘communicate‘ your differences,to work out everything…and patch up.
Because you can feel it in your veins, and in your heart,he is “The One!” (what the fuck).So you two stupids decide to patch up and try to make everything great again.
After all,you both used to love each other once,so there is no doubt you can create the same chemistry again.Right? RIGHT?? Just like they showed in the movie Eternal Sunshine Of the Spotless Mind?
Now let me tell you what happens when you do patch up again with your ex.
By the way,this is not just my personal experience,but everybody I have met who has followed the breakup-patchup route.Therefore, you can definitely bank on it:
So you guys decide to overlook each other’s flaws and get together again.This works great for a while (yes,seriously).You get back all the good feelings and feel like you two were meant to be together,forever.
But things gradually go downhill after a brief period of a month or two.You begin to realize yet again how shitty your partner really is,and all the reasons why you both broke up in the first place!
But you don’t let your annoyances out of you.
You don’t wanna mess up your somehow-working-but-actually-
The tension and frustration builds up gradually,until one day you can no longer hold it inside of you and…BOOM!!!
You can no longer hold it in you and you direct every ounce of bitterness towards your partner (who is equally pissed off).
You come to the grand realization that breaking up was the best decision you both took,and you break up once again.
Then one day,you wake up,and all of a sudden you want your ex again,despite all the quirks.
“Maybe I can make it work this time,maybe I will get it right this time…” you think to yourself, and the thought seed of patching again takes its root into your mind .The cycle then repeats itself all over.
Sounds ridiculous? It’s not.You wouldn’t believe the sheer number of
guys and girls who go through same emotional turmoil for a long time,until the day there is an ugly nasty breakup.
Don’t patch up…for your sake!
Long term relationships are good,but you do not want to get involved in one when you have zero practical knowledge about the opposite sex and how relationships are managed.
I have exposed you to the truth about relationships,the mindset you must have if you decide to be in a relationship,and the sins you must avoid committing after you break up.
If you loved what you just read (which you should),consider liking our page on Facebook (which you MUST!).You would get updated as soon as we publish new content,jam-packed with useful information.
Also subscribe to our newsletter to get fresh content delivered into your inbox.It is absolutely free of cost!
Until Next Time,