Prepare yourself because it is going to be a long post.So sit tight and learn these precious life lessons from someone who has experienced it and learnt it the hard way from the University Of Hard-Knocks.
Let’s get started…!!
The first and the foremost thing that you need to work on is to begin prioritizing yourself.What I mean by prioritizing yourself is that you should, from this day on wards start making your needs,your wants,your desires and your happiness a priority-make them first.Start making yourself happy before you make anyone else happy.
Hitherto you might have put others before you,sacrificing your happiness to bring smile on the faces of other people first.It may sound noble and altruistic but this strategy works against your happiness.
Chances are, if you are not making your needs,wants and desires a priority,you are either suffering from what I call the “Martyr Complex” or “Covert Contracts” or possibly even both.
Allow me to explain.
Under the surface,the reason you want to you make others happy before yourself is not actually to make other beings happy but to get approval from them.You want people to admire you and praise your sacrifices for making and keeping them happy so you can get emotionally validated that you are,infact some kind of hero,a martyr to be doing it.I know it sounds fucked up and maybe you could be saying to yourself “Nah!That’s not me.”
Look into the intentions of your actions once again.It was a huge problem for me and I never realized it until I started developing more self-awareness and emotional intelligence.I wanted to make others see how great of a person Iam.I was acting to
be good instead of really being good.
Why are you trying to make other people happy and not yourself? Are you playing Jesus Christ?
Another explanation for not prioritizing yourself is that all the work and effort you put into making others happy,you believe that others should reciprocate it in some way. The problem is that you don’t actually say this out loud,you make this contract in your head.This is called a ‘Covert Contract.’ You don’t overtly state your intentions for helping other people but you expect them to reciprocate all your efforts.
Bad news my friend,it doesn’t happen.
Let me break it to you-People won’t reciprocate your efforts to make them happy and in turn will make you happy,atleast not until you actually tell them that.If you want your efforts to be reciprocated in some way,TELL THEM! Say it out loud.
The only way to short circuit this situation is by start putting yourself first.State your needs and wants and pursue them relentlessly.
Become selfish,to put it bluntly.Sane persons work to make themselves happy not others.
When you become selfish and focus on your needs and wants,both the Martyr Complex and Covert Contracts don’t even occur in the first place.
Now,if spreading smiles on the faces of the others actually makes you happy,then it’s fine.Do it.But if you ever catch yourself feeling that you don’t receive as much love as you give or that you give a lot to others but others are always oblivious to your needs,then my friend you are making them happy to get yourself validated.You are no Mother Teresa.You aren’t doing it from the right frame of mind.
Getting rid of wanting to be emotionally validated by other people is very crucial for living with a lot less stress.I don’t want you to read it and forget it.I want you to work on yourself and get rid of this mentality and the way to do it is by becoming a little selfish.Being selfish will also open your eyes to the people you hang out with and how much of THEIR happiness THEY are willing to sacrifice to make and keep you happy.
READ MORE BOOKS
This one is very important.
Start reading more books.Become a voracious reader.
Readers are leaders.
Read as much books as you possibly can because the best way to accumulate the colossal amount of knowledge about any subject in the shortest time possible, is by reading good books.
Start with your favourite category to spark interest and to create momentum but don’t limit yourself to it.If you are into fiction,gradually seep into the biographies and autobiographies as well.
Read from the latest to the classics-experience the eerieness in the works of Edgar Allan Poe this week and have a glimpse into the mindset of Adolf Hitler on the next.
You can assimilate years of knowledge and experience of the great ones by reading their biographies and autobiographies.
The list is endless.The good thing is that when you begin reading the books,you will start to enjoy it and you will want to keep reading because a book written by a great author is extremely addictive.
Oh and please don’t put up shit like-“Umm well,I guess I just am not into reading books..haha..” or ” I have so much going on right now,it’s hard to make time to rest,let alone read.“
I seriously pity you if you don’t start reading.
Hell,you can even send me a message and I will tell you where to start if you haven’t read seriously ever before.
Don’t fool yourself out of this.
The knowledge you will gain from reading books would be unfathomable and yes,whether you like to admit or not,”Knowledge IS Power.”
NEVER REVEAL YOUR HOT BUTTONS TO ANYONE
Hot Buttons refer to the dark acts that you may have committed in your past-the scams,crimes and anything which could be disseminated and turned against you in any way.These should be kept in a box,locked and buried…forever.
No matter how close or good and upright you consider a person to be your friend,there must not be mentioning of any of those events whatsoever because sooner or later,you might not know ,for some cryptic reason that you might not even consider today,your friendship could dissolve which could lead to the disclosure of your every single secret by the friend-turned-rival.
People are not fair.
They don’t think that you told them some secret of yours and that they should respect your privacy by keeping their mouths shut.Hello!They are going to reveal all of your hot buttons to the world in the most presentable way possible if you both turned against each other.You don’t want to be a topic of a hot gossip.Do you?
Time and situations are the true litmus to any relationship.
Make friends,enjoy them and share their company but for your own sake don’t reveal to them what you did last summer.
NEVER RE-ASSOCIATE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS ONCE BROKEN YOUR TRUST
Because doing so is not translated as virtue but rather as foolishness
on your part.
Think about it, if they got one chance to be close to you and they stabbed you,just freakin imagine what they would do if you gave them another chance.
What are you?Imbecile?
Think for yourself.
Whether it’s your friend who has proved himself judas or your girlfriend/boyfriend who has cheated on you…it’s time you kick them out of your life and slam the door on their faces.They don’t deserve to be with you and consume your energy like a parasite.
Get rid of those parasites.You are better off without them.
DON’T LOVE UNI-DIRECTIONAL
Iam alluding to the situation where you are head over heels infatuated to a boy/girl and your infatuation isn’t reciprocated.
Unidirectional love will drain you emotionally to the extent you can’t
even begin to imagine.
Everyone has been victim to this at some point in their lives and know how it feels,yet many don’t learn their lesson.
Ladies and gentlemen,don’t get involved in a person if that person doesn’t like you.There are billions of people on this planet and you can have more than you would ever want if you just get to know more people of the opposite sex.
You get infatuated when you don’t have any options in your life.Believe me,the person you are putting up on a pedestal will cease to look ‘special‘ or somehow ‘different‘ when you have five more prospects lined up, who are equally attractive at the same time.
If you are going through this phase,I strictly advice you to meet more people of the opposite sex that you find attractive and your illusion shall be broken.
And by the way,’True Love‘ doesn’t exist.Just wanted to let you know.
Yup,there is no special someone who is ‘meant just for you‘.You seriously need to cut back on the number of romantic movies you watch if you even remotely believe anything like that.Yes,throw that The Notebook DVD out of the window immediately.
You can only figure out if you are compatible with a person or not.
The concept of True love is toxic because if you belive in it, you could get yourself in an unhealthy relationship just because you consider him/her to be the ‘true love of your life‘ and you keep trying to fix the relationship.
The concept of ‘True Love’ also puts a burden on you to keep looking
for ‘The One‘.
Whereas,if you believe in the concept of compatibility,you know in the first five minutes of talking to a person if you are compatible with him/her or not.If you find yourself struggling to keep the relationship alive at any point,you leave.There is no fixing involved because you KNOW that ‘True Love’ is something created by the imagination of the human mind for entertainment purposes.At any point you feel that you are not compatible with your partner,you leave.There is no fuckin True Love.
Get it fuckin drilled into your head if you need to.
Also,as a side bonus,you get to enjoy the company of lot more opposite sex because there can not be more than one true love but you can be compatible with a number of girls/boys.
TREAT EVERYONE ACCORDINGLY
This is one of the most recent lessons I learnt from a very successful personality.
Prior to learning this lesson,I used to treat everybody the same-with respect.Soon,I came to the grand realization that treating everyone with respect is just not the way it works.If someone hurts you or abuses you and you treat them fairly,then you sir,are an idiot.
Treat everyone according to how they treat you.If someone misbehaves towards you,you have every damn right to shout curses at them if you like,or ignore them if you prefer that.
Treating them the way they treat you let’s them know that their behavior dictates how THEY are treated.They realise that they themselves are responsible for the behavior bestowed upon them by you.
Don’t make any reservations.Even if it’s one of your family members who gets on your nerves,just start getting on their’s.
FINANCE SPENT ON RELATIONSHIPS IS EXPENDITURE
Another thing to keep in mind is that,time,energy and finance spent is maintaining a relationship is SPENT.
Yes,it’s gone.You lost it and you are not getting it back.
You could spend a hundred buck treating your darling one evening and she/he could be gone the next morning and there is nothing you could do about it.The bummer to the situation is when you ask her/him as to why she/he is leaving, they could give you some vague shit like “I just don’t feel that anymore.“
Boom.You are fucked.Big time.
Not saying that you don’t give anything to the relationship,it’s just not possible,but make sure you don’t spend the amount you can’t afford to lose.It’s gambling.
Spending a hundred bucks on yourself and improving a skill of yours will prove to be more beneficial for your future.Always keep that in mind.The money spent on improving one of your skills is ‘Investment‘.
Simple economics tell us the difference between Expenditure and Investment.
Relationships are expenditure.
Don’t let your emotions get better of you and drain your wallet.
PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT
Ever played Poker? The secret to winning at poker is not to have all
Ask any professional poker player and he will tell you that the trick to winning at poker is to play the cards you get skillfully.An expert poker player with all the ‘wrong’ cards can trounce a novice with all the ‘right’ cards anytime of any day.
It’s not about the cards you have or don’t have but how skillfully you play the cards you got on your hand.
Same goes with life.You might have a flair or natural talent at something while could be a sucker at others.Play your cards right and you can become successful effortlessly.
Focus on your talents and sharpen your skillset.The most successful personalities you see are the ones who capitalized on their strengths and made themselves even more competent in them.Mark Zuckerberg didn’t try to compete with Michael Jordan.He knew that his strengths lies in coding computer language.The result?He is one of the richest personalities around.
Don’t focus on the cards you don’t have but focus on playing the cards you do have right.
WATCH YOUR TIME!
The most important lesson perhaps, I can give you right now is to manage your time very well.
The most important asset to me is time and I don’t let anyone take even a minute of my life until one proves that he would be of any value to me.
What? You want me to join,hang out with you and get high?
No thanks.Please leave.I have more important tasks to do than waking up late in the morning feeling shitty because I got stoned.
I have my ambitions to achieve and dreams to realise.
Your time is slipping through and you aren’t even aware of it.Not long before you will be in your thirties and forties and you will ask yourself-“Where did all the time go? What did I do with my life?” but then of course, it would be too late.
Keep track of your most precious asset.I have said this before and Iam saying it again-everything in life can be gained back if lost,love,money…everything but time.Don’t let anyone steal it from
you.This is the moment to get things done,the moment to aim and fire at your objectives.
Clock is ticking…watch your time.
PERSEVERANCE IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS
Here is a little homework for you.
Read about the following personalities and how they succeeded:
You will find out that the common thread that runs through the stories of these people is their ability to persevere when times were tough.
They didn’t complain or whine about how everything seemed to be going against them,instead their focus was on getting stuff done.
Good luck(which doesn’t exist),riches and smarts are not the key to being successful.They help but are not the deciding factor.The deciding factor is your ability to keep going,to persevere and keep doing the things you know you should be doing.
Times will be bad and conditions will be adverse,the only way you can ensure your success is by persevering and keep it going until you hit your goal.
Hugh Hefner printed the first edition of his magazine in his garage.I
obviously don’t need to tell you who the hell is Hugh Hefner.
BE RADICALLY HONEST
This one principle will save your ass.
I learnt the benefits of being blatantly,brutally and radically honest from the book “Radical Honesty: How To Transform Your Life By Telling The Truth” written by Brad Blanton.
Being honest sets you free of the web of lies you create and let me tell you-it’s liberating.When you start speaking truth and find out that the world didn’t end,you will start speaking more of your mind and stop caring what others think about you and that becomes even more liberating experience.
Start being honest and as matter of fact with both-yourself and other people.
What are the lies you tell yourself? Even the smallest and most banal appearing lies have deeper consequences.
Do you repeatedly tell yourself that you are best at everything.
Do you tell your friend how good of an artist he is when he absolutely
sucks at drawing?Tell him the truth.
At worst,you may lose some people (those who cannot handle honesty and thrive on lies),at best you may change some life atleast you will definitely change your’s.
Being honest to oneself and others also compels you to drop any sort of fake persona that you may have adopted to fit in the roles that you think other people want you to play.This takes a lot of pressure off you because you stop pretending to be someone you are not.You actually become real and authentic.The authenticity thus developed is exuded in your aura and forces others to be honest with you as well.As a result,fake persons that you may have in your life,get weeded out immediately.
Stop being a bullshitter.Like attracts like.If you are honest and upfront about yourself,you will draw the people who have the same tendencies.On the other hand,being a bullshitter,you will only attract more bullshit into your life.
FORGIVE AND MOVE ON
This little practice will get rid of any emotional baggage that you may have.
Right now you might knowingly or unknowingly hold grudges against particular persons.It’s time to let go of them because they are needed no more.
Tonight before you go to bed,sit down and make a list of people who you are personally animous against.
Is it one of your friends from high school or is it a girl who broke up with you in a harsh conduct.Who are the people you are personally angry with?
Then make an image of them in your mind and silently forgive them for everything they did to you.It doesn’t matter if what they did was really fucked up,you still got to let those things go.
After you are done,it’s time to forgive your parents for whatever wrong you think they did to you.Everybody’s parents made some mistakes at one point or another while bringing them up.Nobody is perfect.
Again,conjure up their images and from your heart,forgive them.Everybody does mistakes.
And finally,it’s time you forgive yourself.Yes,yourself,for all the mistakes that you had ever done.Stop kicking yourself over and over for them. Embrace yourself and let everything go.You did your best with the information that was at your disposal at that moment, even if it wasn’t right,so let it go now.
Forgiveness is the only path to inner healing and emotional resilience.I would have never believed this, had I personally not tried it and seen the results.It brings inner calmness and peace and the turbulence of emotions that you feel would be gone.One of the world’s most renowned author in the self-help industry-Brian Tracy, advocates this technique as well.It is for a reason-it works.
Do it today and you will feel noticeably different.
The word ‘Different’ brings us to our next lesson…
DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT
By different I mean,do something other than the normal usual stuffs that everybody does, like going to college or doing your duty at your job.These are the things that every boy-next-door does.
Indulge in your passion and start something big,excel in it.
Publish your own book even if it sucks,start a blog even if it sucks,make a movie (or work in one) even if it sucks,invent something,start a business even if on a minuscule scale.Whatever it is that you are passionate about,take the step towards greatness.Make it big,or at least begin making it grand even if it sucks!!
Steve Jobs started Apple from his garage at the age of 21,Leonardo DiCaprio started acting in movies when he was only five,Steven Spielberg made a movie when he was just 13!And because they started young, they had plenty of time to learn from their mistakes.That’s the reason they are legendary beasts in their fields today.
Start something big,become someone!Get a taste of the dream you have.
And you know the funny thing? Once you start going big,the question that will perplex you the most will be “Why didn’t I start younger?“
Start working today.
It sucks today but you will learn everytime you fail and soon you will be a shark in the field you are passionate about.
I read this quote somewhere years ago and it is one of my favorites
to this day:
“Failures weighs ounces…regrets weighs tonnes.Get moving.”
HAVE REVERSE EXPECTATIONS
Humans are emotional creatures and emotions are subjected to change according to the situations they are in.This is the reason Iam highly skeptic of every person I associate myself with.
My ex-girlfriend used to tell me that Iam the love of her life and I was the best thing that happened to her ever and she would never even think about leaving me.
Like I said,she is my ex now.
One of my closest friends used to call me “bro” because,quiet frankly we both enjoyed each other’s company a lot and had a lot in common.
We are friends no more…take a step further,we are enemies.
I see the similar events happening in the lives of the people around me and they are always dumbfounded with their jaws on the floor exclaiming something like- “I never expected that! I never thought she would do anything like this to me.“
Did any of the events happened to me surprised me?
Not at all.
I learnt young that people’s words are just as meaningless as shit.I have reverse expectations from people.Whatever they say,I believe the opposite to be true.
Does your partner says that he won’t leave you until hell freezes over?
What if his dream girl asked him to get in a relationship with her?
Do you think he is going to stick around if Megan Fox showed up in his life?
When the better prospect comes,you will be left without consideration to your feelings and emotions.
You might disagree with me now,but as you would see,this will turn out to be the absolute truth.It’s not something to get angry about,it’s
just the way people are.
Does your business associate tells you that he will be doing business forever?
Does your mate says that he will always be there for you when you need him/her?
Having reverse expectations actually compels you to consider the worst case scenario and be prepared for it.
The only thing then which perplexes me is when they actually DO stand by their words and that’s when I say-
“I never expected anything like this.”
It’s time to stop being a doormat and demand some respect and the way to getting respect is setting some definite and strong boundaries.
Boundaries are the rules that you create to make your life run smoother.But Boundaries must not only dictate other persons’ behaviour towards you but also YOUR behaviour towards YOURSELF.
Get out your journal and start writing what you are willing and NOT
willing to accept from yourself first.
To give you an example,here are ‘My Rules For Myself‘:
1-I will write for two hours daily for the blog.
2-I will dedicate 4 hours of my everyday to academics
3-I will finish a book of any category every month
And I follow these rules everyday.They are meant to be followed.They are the compass which constantly remind me of the direction,the right direction to keep moving in.
Write at least seven rules that decide your behavior towards yourself.
Great,now it’s time to create rules which will guide other people’s behavior towards you.These rules will act as shield from the unwanted behavior that people may try to project on you.
Again,to give you an example,here are some of ‘My Rules For Others‘:
1-No acquaintance of mine should ever abuse me verbally
2-Physical assault is a done deal.They will be out of my life and
there will be no further dealing with them,ever.
3-My friends should be truthful.
And let these rules be clear to them.If someone gets out of line,you should cut all contacts with him.No excuses heard.
Setting the rules will immediately weed out the people that are in stark contrast to your personal values and beliefs,which is a good thing because you don’t have to waste time on maintaining a relationships which will not make you happy in the long term.
GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE
Every single day do something which frightens you or makes you uncomfortable.Take a step forward towards your fears because the only way to get rid of your fears is through them.
Are you afraid of public speaking?
Give a goddamn speech infront of an audience.
Did it scare the shit out of you?Great! Do it again.Beat your fear down to dust.
Are you afraid of heights?
Start exposing yourself to the heights.Start with little heights and progress further when you get comfortable with them.Repeat the process until the fear is no more.
Are you afraid of being assertive?
Start saying your opinions out loud,begin saying what’s on your mind.Get comfortable with the fact that nothing earth-shattering happens when you stand up for yourself.
Just think what are you afraid of and then jump right at it.
Is it the darkness that scares you?
Turn off the lights and make yourself relax in the darkness.Make yourself realize that your fears are all made up by you in your mind.
Your fears,whatever they are,are not tangible.They are mere illusions crafted by you to limit you and very ironically can be only destroyed by you too.
Get rid of your fears…zero in on and lunge at them with all your might.
ASK FOR THE THINGS YOU WANT
Many people I observe limit themselves consciously because they are afraid of asking what it is they want.
In life,things will not just fall on your lap.No sir.Only losers believe that shit and that’s why they are losers.
You must actively seek and ask for the things that you want.
From discounts during shopping to asking a girl/boy out on a date,all require that you participate in asking.The worst thing that will happen is that they will say no.
Why are then people afraid of asking if the worst thing could occur is
simple denial or a banal ‘No‘ from the other person?
I believe this is because most people base their self-esteem and self-image in the words of other people.Any denial from another person degenerates their concept of self, because they have tied their value to how people react to them.
“How could he say no to someone like me? Iam all that a boy could ever need!”
If you ever hear someone making that statement (or even you) it means that you anchor tremendous amount of your self-esteem outside of you.
This approach is flawed and doomed to fail.
One must base his self-image from within,not without.When someone rejects you,it should not bother you because you believe more in your words than theirs.
When you truly believe “Iam a worthwhile person and have a lot to offer“,you become bulletproof to the outcome of the events.A healthy identity creates outcome independence.
Disconnect your value and self-esteem from the words of other beings and you liberate yourself from the shackles of their responses. As a consequence,you will begin asking what you want.When you start asking what you want that’s when you start getting it.
You are in for a troubled life ahead if you don’t exercise daily.
The amount of junk food you consume daily is huge and you don’t even realize the serious harm it causes to your health.
Promise yourself to start exercising daily even if for twenty minutes a day because the payoff is massive.Not only exercising will keep you healthy in a long term but you will also feel more energetic and get a boost in your self-confidence when you see your body toned.
Exercising daily will also increase your will power as it takes a certain amount of will and determination to put yourself through a hard rigorous exercising regiment.
The benefits are many and the investment is low.
This reminds me another very important lesson….
Another very important,and I mean extremely important habit to develop is to become thrifty.
I see many guys and girls well over the age of thirty who haven’t mastered the art of being frugal with the money they earn which often lands them to serious money problems before even the next month’s paycheck.Their lives are chaotic and they have to rely on loans and debts.Even if you are a multi-millionaire,you got to be husbandry to some degree because spending your million dollar into a new Rolls Royce every month will crash and burn your financial life for sure.
It is essential that you,first of all start doing some odd job and get cash flowing in your life on your own and then focus on saving it.I was the first among all my friends to start doing a job (I started working as a helper boy in one of the local cellphone store) and get a personal bank account with cash deposits at the end of each month.This blog is made with the money I earned from there.
Get independent and responsible with your money.The sooner you start,the better.Start depositing a certain sum of money on the last date of every month.
You can also use the money you save later for your personal needs such as travelling around the world or publishing your own book or upgrading your wardrobe or even for hedonistic purposes if that’s what you want.
LEARN TO CONTROL YOUR FEELINGS
This is so vital that I wrote a complete post on the topic itself.Youcan read what feelings are and how you can effectively manage them by clicking here.
ENJOY THE LIFE!
This is the final and most important lesson.
You must learn to enjoy the life with all it’s quirks,ups and downs.Don’t let the smile on your face fade away.Life will consists of blissful,tragic,anxious,
Don’t fret it.It’s normal.
You are going to face some really painful events too but even that is okay because everybody faces them.
The only thing you have to do is keep moving forward.
“If you are going through hell,keep going.”
As with everything you see on this blog,nothing is imposed on you.These are my experiences and what I learnt from them.It is wise to learn from others’ experiences rather than going through them by yourself.But if you want to disregard anything,it is fine and I support that.
You shall find your own truth.
Until Next Time Fellas!