So I was just goofing around,having a little fun in the park,enjoying the feel of the green grass under my feet,and the touch of sunlight on my face, when all of a sudden,out of nowhere…I blacked out.And when I woke up,I was taken aback to see a large bunny sitting besides me,staring cold right into my lovely eyes.He told me that I was one of the best bloggers on the face of our planet and therefore, he has chosen me for a mission.
“The mission…” roared the bunny, “is to write an article telling people nearly every damn way they can make themselves, and their lives miserable in the most miserable way possible,in 2017.”
He said that it would act as codes of conduct.Further, if I failed to carry out his instructions, our most beloved planet Earth would be destroyed.
The thoughts of our planet being destructed sent chills down my spine,because I know for a fact that everybody loves their one and only planet.Therefore,I took this huge responsibility of writing precepts,very responsibly.
So,here are thirty five best ways you can fuck your life up in 2017.Enjoy:
1)Don’t Make Any Decision.Not A Single One.
That’s right.From this very moment,cease any decision making.Become terribly wishy-washy.From pondering over whether or not you should invest some finance in your venture,to whether you should pee in your pants or toilet.
Don’t decide.Let things as they may be.Even if that means peeing in your pants.
2)Take A Lot Of Rest
Get rid of all your goals and aims,dreams and desires,because very sincerely,in the grand scheme of things,the work you do amounts to nothing.
Don’t lift a finger for any damn thing.Stop doing any and every productive work.You already have stressed yourself out enough and still got nothing to show for it.Hence,it’s proved that there is no point in doing much hard work.
You don’t like what’s airing on the T.V channel you are watching? Keep watching,because who wants to get up and get that damn remote to change the channel?They might show something interesting after an hour or so.
Where did my potato chips go?
3)Give Up At The First Sign Of Failure
Whatever that is you are involving yourself in-a venture,learning new skill, or even competing in a sport.If you failed once,it’s the sign from the divine power that you should quit.NOW!
Don’t make any attempt further to make it work.If it was meant to happen,it would have happened the very first time.It’s no use trying to do it over and over again and expecting it to work out.That would be totally insane.Einstein,the genius of the past century gave the definition of insanity-
“Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
Did you get it already? You are fuckin’ insane if you keep sticking your nose into something that you failed at!It’s done.Over.
Champions are made over night,you know.
Everything else is just a waste of time.Never indulge in this stupidity again.Ever.
Want everything right now! Panic,lose your temper,shout and curse if you don’t have what you want.You want things to be the way you want,and you want it right-fuckin-now! Become anxious because you can’t have what you want right this moment.
Cry like a baby:
WHY CAN’T I HAVE IT??? WHY??
The one who said the “Patience is a virtue” was an asshole.He underestimated the value of time.Being patience is tantamount to wasting your precious time.
Delude yourself into thinking you know it all.
Ah yes!! You know everything about the world and it’s ways.You know how it works,how it goes and how it ends.You are absolutely brilliant.
Everybody else suck.
They don’t realise how great of a person you are.You are a marvel of cosmic powers,and when everybody realises this fact, you would be worshipped.And that’s going to be very soon.
6)Don’t Be Accountable
In simpler terms-Don’t improve.
Forget your past mistakes.They were not lessons to learn from,rather events that just happened.
Life works out by itself.
It’s really annoying to see your friend chasing his dream and working his ass off to get where he wants.It’s kind of lame, to be honest.You don’t need to do that.Everything will be fine on its own.
Gosh! If only everybody could understand that,the world would be so much a better place to be in.
7)Believe In Destiny,And God,And Fault In Your Stars
Yup.It’s right up there.
Jesus is watching you ALL the time.
He is also watching 10 billion other people at the same moment.And he has mapped it all out for everybody.It’s done.
No matter how hard you try,you can’t change your destiny.You are bound to receive what the mighty one has in store for you,and you must accept it with all the grace in you.No complaints.No changes.Because God is strict and he doesn’t give a fuck if you work 60 hours a week for your business.You will end up the same,like that drunkard on the street- broke,if that is what the stars want.
It’s always God’s wish and desires,not your actions that decide how you are going to end up.It’s that simple.
8)Take Offense To The Comments Made About Yourself And Your Work
You are who you are.People should accept you and love you the way you already are.
How dare they say that you stink,or that you need to see a dentist,or that you need to find a better job?
You know yourself and you don’t give a damn what they think.They need to adjust themselves to accommodate you in their hopeless lives.You are better in every way possible,and you or your work must not be criticized in any way,shape or form.
9)Have A Huge Fuckin’ Ego-The Size Of A Football Field
You must not listen to anybody,no,not even the persons who are more professional or more successful than you are.Who the hell they think they are? They are stupid-they suck!
You are the shit.You the man.What do they know? Infact,they must shut the fuck up and listen to YOU.You know better! And if they don’t listen to you…well, in that case,fuck those retards!
10)Mock Everybody Who Is Attempting Anything New
What??? That dude wrote a novel which is going to be made into a movie? Tough titties,you can do it too,and even better than him.You just don’t want to because you really don’t care.REALLY!
And hey! Look at that lunatic who slipped while learning to dance.What a suck!
11)Become Ill Tempered
Become a loose cannon.Shout curses at people.
Those slimy sons of bitches better go fuck themselves in the ass before you knock their teeth off for messing with you.They have no fuckin’ clue who the fuck they are talking to.
12)Break The Relationships
As I mentioned before,your ego is the most important thing in the universe and you don’t compromise it.There is no way you should make, or maintain healthy relationships with other individuals.
You and your opinions, and your point of views matter.Nothing else.
They should do and act as you tell them to.Curse them if they don’t,because let’s face it-you are always right.It’s them who are rotten.It’s them who make mistakes in the relationship.It’s them who should apologise first for everything, just to be with you and keep you happy.
You live by the testament-
“It’s my way or the highway.”
You don’t agree with me, or want to comply with me? Get fuckin lost! NO! I don’t want to hear your dislikes about me,because I don’t want to change.My ego is more important than you are!
13)Never Ask For Any Kind Of Help,Ever
It would be so shameful to want help from someone.I have no idea how people do that,to be honest.
You don’t need any help.You are omni potent and you can do everything by yourself.And if you can’t do something,blame it on somebody else, or the circumstances, or the weather.
I mean, everybody knows that you couldn’t complete the project on time because it was assigned to you on Friday.Fridays are nightmares,if you don’t know.It has nothing to do with the fact that you could not ask for some help from your brother or your colleague.And you are better than them anyways.
14)Stop Learning Anything And Everything
Turn on the boob tube,grab a beer and watch romantic comedy marathons.
Learning anything is a waste of time.
That’s a universal truth.You cannot really learn anything.You are either born with it,or you are not.People who are good at sports had innate abilities.Musicians begin humming in their mother’s womb.Millionaires are prodigies.You were born an average Joe,and will be the same.
15)Get Extremely Emotional
Become thin skinned.Let the world affect you and drain you emotionally.Throw up tantrums and dramas at the most inappropriate places and events.
By the way,being overly emotional is one of the best ways you can draw other people’s attention to you,and maybe garnish their empathy in the process.Employ this tactic to the fullest-throw an emotional fit and sob like a bum at a party,and lo and behold,you would be the centre of attraction in no time.
16)Lie To Everybody
Make shit up.Who gives a fuck about living an interesting life when you can tell interesting lies?
Lying is an art you should master.Deception is the name of the game.Open your mouth and start speaking.Anything.From your sexual conquests to your life’s achievements-everything can be made up!
That’s the beauty of the lies.
Spread lies like flames, and live like a badass.
You had dinner with the president some days ago,remember?
Take up too many projects to do at the same time and divide your attention between them.
Involve in a bunch of tasks at the same moment.
Yes,you can prepare the report on the construction,while having lunch and surfing porn.
You are a super human.You are made to multi-task,and whoever can’t perform a number of things at the same moment,is really not making the most of his time.
And please,don’t whine about the quality of the work.You did the job.Period.Quality of the work you do really doesn’t matter.
Spread rumors about your colleagues.Talk shit about them behind their backs.Become involved in office politics.
I mean,who doesn’t like to spice and shake things up a little bit?
It’s so much fun to rip other people’s lifestyle out in the open and watch all the drama that follows.
Did you hear Suzi slept with Roman last week?She seemed like such a nice girl.I had no idea she would do anything like this.But hey,what do I have to do with it?
19)Focus On Instant Gratification
Sacrifice all your long term goals for the short term pleasures.
Go hang out with your buddies instead of working on your venture.Watch a movie,instead of learning something new.Eat a pound of chocolate cake and smoke cigarettes while having a booze, instead of eating salad and strictly healthy food.
You are going to live once,and you must enjoy it.What’s the use of all the pain and discipline? You are never going to get anything that’s not meant for you.Refer back to point number seven if you need to hammer it again in your empty head.
What’s the better way to live than crashing on the couch,gulping down a bottle of vodka and doing drugs?It’s February, right? And you ought to celebrate.
20)Become Completely Irrational
Don’t think things through.Believe everything that media tells you.Believe everything that shows up on your Facebook feed.Don’t do any research on the things before making up your mind about them.And make sure you end up investing your hard earned money in a shady scheme that looked suspicious to you, but you didn’t do the research just because all your buddies have invested in it.
If your friends say that it’s legit,then it must be.
Why waste energy? If the company is a fraud,then everybody loses the money,not just you.
21)Believe In Superstitions
Now if you are anywhere like me,you would not want to mess up your day by getting trapped in a negative energy.
So make sure that you don’t walk under any ladder,never cross a path of a black cat,be careful with the mirrors so as not to break them,and don’t bring umbrellas inside the house.All it takes is just one mistake on your part,and you could end up being cursed for the rest of your life.Do you really want that to happen to you?
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today and can already feel something really tragic is going to happen.
22)Blame Everybody Else For Your Failures
It’s always them.Not you.Not your actions.
It’s the guy who was driving too slowly in front of you that you are late.It’s the fault of the pizza joints that they make pizzas so delicious that you simply can’t resist,and consequently get fat.It’s the fault of your jerk boss who doesn’t pay you more.
It’s always them,and their fault.
The true way to live the life is to be content with the mediocrity.
What you have right now is enough.You don’t need anything more than what you already have.
Wanting anything more than what you have right now is a sin.You are either born lucky and rich, or you are not.You should be happy with the life you live,and NEVER desire more.
One of the four Noble Truths in Buddhism is-
“Personal Desire Is The Cause Of All The Sufferings.”
Did you understand?
Had the mighty lord Buddha been here,he would have shouted the same thing.Iam today’s Buddha for Christ’s sake!!
So kick back and rot.Life has no more to it than what is now.No matter what you do,things will turn out the way it wants,and you can’t do anything about it.
And frankly,there is nothing wrong with living an average life.
24)Develop Negative Attitude About Everything
Everything is wrong about this universe- people are screwed up,your situation cannot be improved,the food sucks,weather is so tiring,fire is too hot,ice is too cold…everything is so fuckin’ stupid to deal with.
Become negative.A big minus.(-)
Seek negativity in everything-Make it a habit to see the glass always half empty.
Everything is wrong about this universe.
Whose idea was it to make the Earth round, anyways?
25)Never Ever Have A Plan B
Wait…why the hell would you have any plan in the first place? Silly you.
26)Keep Playing The Broken Piano
Try to make the broken relationships work.Get close to the people who don’t care about you.
The plans that failed once should be executed again…in the same manner.This is the way life is supposed to be.
Oh!You failed in that endeavor by doing it in a certain way? The only smart move now is to make it work by keep doing it in the exact same manner.Keep doing it over and over again,and it will turn out to be good…someday, or somehow.
27)Think About Your Failures More Often Than Your Successes
Buy a deck of sticky notes from the local stationery and write down your every failure on them- you couldn’t get good grades when you were a kid,you failed in the college entrance examination,how un-social you are.Then stick these notes all over your house.Let these remind you of your miserable life and make it even more miserable.
Another great way to become really upset with yourself is to begin thinking more about your past.
It’s one of the best ways to get down on yourself and with the situations- dwell in your past more often.And not only past,but your past failures.
Oh damn,remember the time you couldn’t give a speech in front of an audience? That really sucked.
28)Distract And Numb Yourself By Drugs
Drugs are cool,they are powerful…they work.No matter what happens in life,you can always snort a joint and feel like a badass.
By the way,if you still think drugs are bad,then you are a century behind.They are the new trends,and if you aren’t following the trend,then you are a dog.
And in the process,if you start to feel bad about all of it,do even more drugs,and this time stronger ones.
29)Don’t Ever Respect Time.Spend It Like You Are Going To Live Forever
Well,alright.Let’s say that God doesn’t exist,and you can achieve whatever you want.Still,you got to understand the situation here-to achieve anything,you got to give it time.
But fuck it,there is no time to spare to things that you really want to do.I mean,you got to do the routine job,then come home,relax a little,walk your dog,spend evening with your buddies,prepare the dinner and finally catch that baseball game.You can’t afford to miss a baseball game.It’s a religion,you dumbfuck.
So,where is the time?
The fact of the matter is this- time is scarce,and you have so much stuff going on,you can’t reserve any time for that venture that you have always wanted to.It’s just not possible.
30)Become A Poor Conversationalist
Interrupt people when they speak.Talk over them.Tell them how stupid they are.And never forget to mention how you are going to completely dominate the world some day.
31)Spend All Your Cash
Now I know that there are some people who are cautious as to where they spend their money,which according to me,is a silly move.
It is silly because they forget the one essential truth of the universe- You live only once.
If you live only once,why the fuck not enjoy it?
Why stash up your money for later? Will you take all that to your grave? Seriously man! Unlock that safe and put all the money on the line.Life is a beach,and if you ain’t surfin’ the waves, baby,you are missing out on some serious fun.
Told you,Iam a genius.
Actually, don’t dream at all.Dreams are just that- dreams,and anybody who thinks that dreams can be turned into reality, is bat-shit crazy.
How imbecile can you really be?
Take this from me,mister- no man has ever been able to turn his dream into reality,they just got lucky.And luck is not your strongest point.
33)Surround Yourself With Quitters
It’s also necessary to seek out other ‘sane’ individuals who realise that one is only successful by the stroke of luck and God factor.You must become friends with people who have given up on their endeavours as well.This way you can form a community and prevent each other when and if,anybody among you all tries to achieve something.
“You cannot do that,John! You know you aren’t capable of it.You are the pride of our team.We are NOT gifted or talented in any way,and you will only waste more time,energy and cash by pursuing your lofty ideas.Here have a beer!”
34)Have A Closed Mind
A closed mind is the sure sign of strength in your beliefs,and your comfort.
You are not allowed to doubt your beliefs and perspectives and whatever you believe is the absolute truth.You don’t accept or even consider the possibility of questioning them.It is your beliefs which hold you together.You have formed them intellectually-how can somebody in his right state of mind tell you that you are wrong?
Everybody else is wrong.Everybody else’s beliefs are fucked up.Everybody else’s beliefs are degenerative.
Not yours.You are perfect by every standard there is.
35) Do Not Subscribe To Our Newsletter
Failure to subscribe to our self acclaimed best newsletter of all times, is the best and fastest way to become horribly miserable.Afterall,we are the only one who make sense and help elephants to fly in the land of the universe.
PS: I managed to take a pic of the bunny before he disappeared.Here it is:
I just hope I don’t blow up our planet.
Until Next Time…